Para Vestir Santos

Cúanto más duro el golpe más nos entumece y más tarda en llegar el dolor... esa era la frase que anoche cerrada mi día y me dejaba acostada pensando mil cosas, sabiendo que esta serie iba a ser de esas que me hacen reflexionar más que mucho. Contenta porque siempre que pasa eso, yo soy de las que reflexiona y se analiza en serio con las cosas que ve en la tele o pelis. No por fanatismo, sería estúpido creer que las cosas son así, pero a veces, salvando distancias, uno puede sentirse más cercano o tal o cual personaje, y se exorciza por ahí. Sacarse los monstruos es imposibles, contemplarlos lo suficiente como para ya no temerles es la verdadera idea.

xxx

Roma

epifania

Ya con las revoluciones más calmadas puedo ahora tranquila analizar la situación, sabía de ante mano eso de que uno no aprecia lo que tiene hasta que lo pierde pero no me había pasado tan asi hasta hoy. No es cercana, pero es de mi círculo, alguien que aprecio. Alguien que hace rato que no veo, a veces por elección, por no ir a una reunión. Hoy crei que no lo iba a poder ver más y lloré. Lloré pensando en la dulzura de su sonrisa y las palabras lindas que supo tener conmigo. Pensando en nuestras salidas, de ese grupo de gente loca, osada, gente que dejé de ver porque la vida sigue y a veces perdés el hilo. Me di cuenta que no serás mi gran amiga Gabi pero me importás. Casi rompo todo de pensarlo, inmediatamente no sabía si llorar, si correr, si gritar, si hacerme un hobillo y dormir, e hice todas, todas a la vez. Hasta que me fijé, corrí al encuentro de la verdad, sabiendo que capáz no veía lo que quería. Y ahi estabas, fuerte, decidida como siempre. Me tomó minutos, largos minutos, hasta que me lo entendí. Hasta que lo capté. Entonces en ese momento lei las noticias de nuevo, enojada con el mundo por el mal trago, vi el video, mi todo y más de lo que quería ver, pero segura de que a vos te podía ver de nuevo.

Hoy tuve la verdadera epifania de la importancia del ser querido, apreciado. No podía realmente verlo antes, crei que sí, pero no era asi.

Ahora solo pienso en vos, trato de no llorar, porque la congoja sigue. Te aprecio Gabi y mucho, admito que me cuelgo y que a veces parece que me importa un carajo, pero los temblores de hoy me dicen que la verdad no veo la hora de verte. Espero que estes bien. Que sepas, como te dejé escrito ahi brevemente, que contás conmigo, para hablar, reirnos, cantar, mirar la pared, lo que sea. Me hiciste pegar flor de susto, pero nunca estuve más contenta de saber que estabas bien y que te voy a ver en la próxima reunión put.

:')

rar

xxx

Rom.

I hate it when plans

get soooo complicated... really?

then just don't plan any

._.

Ingresos Burdos

Resulta que ultimamente estuve forzada a concentrarme en pensamientos adultos del uso o abuso de dinero, forzada porque literalmente fue algo que se me sentó en la cara cuando vi a mi amigo bajoneado porque no le rinde los nros, y ojo a mi tmp, pero es distinto, mi papá aún me tiene de bebe y mis posibilidades son otras.

Entonces, volviendo al tema, resulta que nos pusimos a charlar, con mis amigos y con mucha gente, por todos por separado -se ve que era el tema de la semana o algo- y de repente se me plantó de frente el hecho que realmente aunque me encanta dar y pagar y tdo, no estoy cómoda con que me paguen las cosas. Odio la idea de ser un burden. Poner al otro en la postura de que soy la reina de Francia. No se. Nah nah, a mi dejame tranquila, me siento en el suelo, vos jugá a los videos que te hago masajes, y si tenemos hambre, cocino.

He dicho.

xxx

Rom.

understanding

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."

(Can't wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
(Can't cry it all away)

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone

"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away

"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God, please don't hate me"
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."

u_u

I got issues

I guess I should be able to be a regular girl, rather shy, rather silly or inocent but just regular at the least. But coming to turns with truth, right in front of me I see: I can't.
The truth is I been fighting monsters for so long that I've never learnt anything else other than that. Fight. Hide. Just be there.
I wish I could show you what Im really thinking, no shades, no buts, no nothing, BUT I just fail so hard that I find myself laying in bed trying not to think that I'm a complete mess and also failing there too.
I need to be honest with myself. And I need to be honest with you. And so, the truth be told: I'm really just trying to say I'm sorry; I'm sorry I'm so socially inadecuate, I'm sorry I'm awkard and cold as ice when I'm really not trying to be it.
The other day I heard myself talking, or explaing rather, us, and I realize that I'm my hopes to act cool and relax, all I ever do is make people think or feel I'm not even partially involve in any of what's happening. I heard myself saying "... we are just nothing" and I couldn't help but hurt at my own sound. It didn't come out right. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I DO care about this. Prolly nobody can't tell how much. It's my fault. I don't let anyone in and you are just there right at the doorstep and I'm just mumbling the words, trying to make sense to let you know I want you there. And I fail.
I remember not too long ago, havig this momentum, this epiphany, when realizing that I was now able to see and recognize my mistakes, take a step aside and try to learn from my actions and inactions. I'm now then fully capable of seeing what I'm doing and it is just frustrating to see myself shaking so hard before I'm even able to touch your arm. All of what happened hunts me back and I keep runing away because as strong as I am, I've growned scare of what might come.
I see it: I'm so deeply scare of all of these I just don't know how to act. How to be normal that is.
I'm finally out of confort zone, I now have to put myself out there. I don't have any excuse, there's no reason why. You seem to like me, you seem to actually want to see me, it seems you really are with me, and so I guess I should be with you too. The thing is: I never had to before.
I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm not saying it is not my fault, but it never worked before: they lied, they liked someone else, they didn't dare, they just wanted to use me; and so I never had to answer back before. And I've never realize how easy that was till now. Now when I see what a complete rag I am.
I need to make up for the damages, I need to stand in front of you in hopes you won't be a wolf. Another wolf. I need to trust you and mainly I need to trust me.
I care about you, I think you are lovely, I love spending my time with you, I enjoy making up excuses to touch you, I love it when I get to kiss you, I'd also like to just live in that moment.
I'm so sorry.

x

the nicest thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

I'll try.