understanding

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."

(Can't wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
(Can't cry it all away)

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone

"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away

"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God, please don't hate me"
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."

u_u

I got issues

I guess I should be able to be a regular girl, rather shy, rather silly or inocent but just regular at the least. But coming to turns with truth, right in front of me I see: I can't.
The truth is I been fighting monsters for so long that I've never learnt anything else other than that. Fight. Hide. Just be there.
I wish I could show you what Im really thinking, no shades, no buts, no nothing, BUT I just fail so hard that I find myself laying in bed trying not to think that I'm a complete mess and also failing there too.
I need to be honest with myself. And I need to be honest with you. And so, the truth be told: I'm really just trying to say I'm sorry; I'm sorry I'm so socially inadecuate, I'm sorry I'm awkard and cold as ice when I'm really not trying to be it.
The other day I heard myself talking, or explaing rather, us, and I realize that I'm my hopes to act cool and relax, all I ever do is make people think or feel I'm not even partially involve in any of what's happening. I heard myself saying "... we are just nothing" and I couldn't help but hurt at my own sound. It didn't come out right. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I DO care about this. Prolly nobody can't tell how much. It's my fault. I don't let anyone in and you are just there right at the doorstep and I'm just mumbling the words, trying to make sense to let you know I want you there. And I fail.
I remember not too long ago, havig this momentum, this epiphany, when realizing that I was now able to see and recognize my mistakes, take a step aside and try to learn from my actions and inactions. I'm now then fully capable of seeing what I'm doing and it is just frustrating to see myself shaking so hard before I'm even able to touch your arm. All of what happened hunts me back and I keep runing away because as strong as I am, I've growned scare of what might come.
I see it: I'm so deeply scare of all of these I just don't know how to act. How to be normal that is.
I'm finally out of confort zone, I now have to put myself out there. I don't have any excuse, there's no reason why. You seem to like me, you seem to actually want to see me, it seems you really are with me, and so I guess I should be with you too. The thing is: I never had to before.
I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm not saying it is not my fault, but it never worked before: they lied, they liked someone else, they didn't dare, they just wanted to use me; and so I never had to answer back before. And I've never realize how easy that was till now. Now when I see what a complete rag I am.
I need to make up for the damages, I need to stand in front of you in hopes you won't be a wolf. Another wolf. I need to trust you and mainly I need to trust me.
I care about you, I think you are lovely, I love spending my time with you, I enjoy making up excuses to touch you, I love it when I get to kiss you, I'd also like to just live in that moment.
I'm so sorry.

x

the nicest thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

I'll try.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

it seems all my fantasies are coming to live, almost like living in kawaii land and seeing my dog turn baby blue and get a mate that's baby pink, I find it hard to buy, what's going on? While the thunder roared I was just there in your arms, on ur back, testing ur lips once more, telling sweet things, things my ears have never heard before but just dreamed about. I feel like and alien trying to figure what's going on, just cos' it never happened, it was never like that, just cos' I understand that I feel fine when "there we are". And I just don't get it. You kissed me in the rain and you held me tight agains your body, and I never let myself go but there I am. I can smell ur perfume, recognize it among my clothes, and I can still feel u while I'm already gone. No strings attached, really, no strings. No holding back.

So what's up ppl? Me?Just here, totally... wow... like flowers and rainbows but no rain, just suddenly pushing me there and me just standing like a statue, I should prolly try to keep it together but I want to run away as far as Neverland, and I don't me MJ's home, I'm talking about the real deal. I would love it there, I guess It would be real cool to have actual painted flowers and glitter just hanging there, not too much glitter though, if not for Praid Parade we would not know whot to use.

So yeah. I'm happy. Happysaurus. Hope it lasts.

xxx

Rom.