I got issues

I guess I should be able to be a regular girl, rather shy, rather silly or inocent but just regular at the least. But coming to turns with truth, right in front of me I see: I can't.
The truth is I been fighting monsters for so long that I've never learnt anything else other than that. Fight. Hide. Just be there.
I wish I could show you what Im really thinking, no shades, no buts, no nothing, BUT I just fail so hard that I find myself laying in bed trying not to think that I'm a complete mess and also failing there too.
I need to be honest with myself. And I need to be honest with you. And so, the truth be told: I'm really just trying to say I'm sorry; I'm sorry I'm so socially inadecuate, I'm sorry I'm awkard and cold as ice when I'm really not trying to be it.
The other day I heard myself talking, or explaing rather, us, and I realize that I'm my hopes to act cool and relax, all I ever do is make people think or feel I'm not even partially involve in any of what's happening. I heard myself saying "... we are just nothing" and I couldn't help but hurt at my own sound. It didn't come out right. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I DO care about this. Prolly nobody can't tell how much. It's my fault. I don't let anyone in and you are just there right at the doorstep and I'm just mumbling the words, trying to make sense to let you know I want you there. And I fail.
I remember not too long ago, havig this momentum, this epiphany, when realizing that I was now able to see and recognize my mistakes, take a step aside and try to learn from my actions and inactions. I'm now then fully capable of seeing what I'm doing and it is just frustrating to see myself shaking so hard before I'm even able to touch your arm. All of what happened hunts me back and I keep runing away because as strong as I am, I've growned scare of what might come.
I see it: I'm so deeply scare of all of these I just don't know how to act. How to be normal that is.
I'm finally out of confort zone, I now have to put myself out there. I don't have any excuse, there's no reason why. You seem to like me, you seem to actually want to see me, it seems you really are with me, and so I guess I should be with you too. The thing is: I never had to before.
I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm not saying it is not my fault, but it never worked before: they lied, they liked someone else, they didn't dare, they just wanted to use me; and so I never had to answer back before. And I've never realize how easy that was till now. Now when I see what a complete rag I am.
I need to make up for the damages, I need to stand in front of you in hopes you won't be a wolf. Another wolf. I need to trust you and mainly I need to trust me.
I care about you, I think you are lovely, I love spending my time with you, I enjoy making up excuses to touch you, I love it when I get to kiss you, I'd also like to just live in that moment.
I'm so sorry.

x